


Obnoxious Obscenities

by vlaplomb



Series: Will is Uncomfortable [2]
Category: Purple Hyacinth (Webcomic)
Genre: Business Casual, Couple goals, Cute, F/M, Fluff, I got that summertime summertime sadness, Kieran wants to join in, Or does he, Partial beta, Will wants to die, closet canoodling, kind of crack, not cursed for once, slight angst for Lauki, the closet wants peace, we die like Harvey, why is Kym so good at pretending to make out in a closet, you will forgive me later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:49:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25094152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vlaplomb/pseuds/vlaplomb
Summary: Kym and Will may think they're the ones spying on Kieran and Lauren, but Kieran can turn tables almost as fast as he turns doorknobs.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White, William Hawkes/Kym Ladell
Series: Will is Uncomfortable [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815844
Comments: 10
Kudos: 86





	Obnoxious Obscenities

**Author's Note:**

> uHhh sorry I haven't been active in a while, something came up! I'm back now and will try to catch up on reading my fav fics this evening 🤡 yes I made this into a series, many thanks to ao3 user Queen_Duckk for requesting a part 2 - I had sudden motivation to give it a whirl. I do have a part 3 ready-ish 👀  
> Also many thanks to @givewillhawkesacoffeebreak on insta for helping me with the summary and talking through kywi headcanons with me even though they were completely unrelated 🤡  
> TL;DR: sorry it took me so long to put up this trash

“I can’t believe you talked me into this yet again,” Will said, shoving a hanging coat aside.

“You know what?” Kym delivered a hearty slap to his back, earning a wince from him. “I’m just as surprised as you are!”

“Was that necessary?”

Ignoring him, Kym settled back into her nook of wool and tweed, heaving a content sigh. The lieutenant’s compliance with her plans had indeed surprised her, as did Kieran’s recurrent requests to meet with Lauren before work in the morning. However, it was clear he was head over heels for her friend, so perhaps that wasn’t such the surprise after all. The real mystery was why Lauren had obliged to this meeting. After their last exchange, which ended in quite a hostile exit on Lauren’s part, Kym was sure the couple had broken up for good. However, upon hearing that another encounter was in store with the potential for further juicy information, she could hardly complain.

It wasn’t like staking out a spot with the lieutenant was anything horrible, either - in fact, she found it slightly enjoyable. Her only grievance was that she had to lie to the lieutenant regarding her Lune-related suspicions.

At least she could act cheery enough to mask it beneath nosy relationship meddling, which she was admittedly also attempting.

“So when are they coming?”

“8 o’clock,” Kym said, checking her pocket watch. “Any minute now.”

“Ladell, you do know that old thing doesn’t work-”

She leaned over, grinning at him. Her radiant nature froze him in place, knuckles blooming white as he gripped the coat hanging next to him. “I know,” she whispered, running a hand along the coat until she reached his hand.

_Whack._

He jumped. “Ouch, what was that for?”

“Hawkes, you do know that you’re going to leave these coats terribly wrinkled if you keep that up.” He frowned at her mockery of his words. “Now, please do try and refrain from hugging me again.”

“What?! You-”

Footsteps plodded into the room outside, silencing their banter. Will paused mid-sentence, breath ragged with anger. Knowing that she could rile him so gave Kym a slight thrill. Still, her goal here wasn’t solely to fraternize with the frenemy.

The door separating the archives from the main hallway clicked shut. “Good morning, officer!” Kieran said cheerfully. Kym raised an eyebrow, hearing the shuffling of files and coats. “How did you sleep last night? Well, I hope?”

“The opposite,” Lauren said quietly, “and I’m certain you know why.”

Oh, did Kym ever know why. Even though she had never experienced a breakup herself, her heart went out to her best friend. She longed to comfort her, but that would reveal that Kym had been eavesdropping - something she didn’t want to admit just yet.

And maybe, just maybe, Lauren would have slept better at Kieran’s place-

“That’s a shame.” _His tone changed on a dime,_ Kym thought, biting her lip.

“You’re not lying?”

“It’s an objective truth, officer. You never sleep. I sincerely hope you learn to take care of yourself.”

Kym bit back a scream. _Kieran is familiar with Lauren’s poor sleeping habits,_ she thought giddily. _But more importantly, he cares about her._

She looked towards Will for confirmation, but his gaze was still fixed intently on the wall. Turning away, her heart fell ever so slightly.

“If I cared about my well-being, I wouldn’t be here.”

Kieran chuckled darkly. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Lauren sighed. “But that doesn’t magically make me less nervous to meet with you.”

“There’s a reason we’re meeting here and not at my place.”

“I know. But can you blame me for not trusting you?”

Kym gulped, squeezing her eyes shut. Whatever Kieran did, it must have been awful. 

“No,” Kieran admitted. “I can’t.”

With every investigation Kym and Will ventured into, Lauren and Kieran were seeming less and less like the vigilante duo Lune and in exchange appeared to simply be ex-lovers.

Kym was relieved.

“Officer, I want to give our partnership another shot.”

_Partnership? Interesting choice of verbiage._

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“There’s a rendezvous scheduled for Thursday evening at the Carnation Cafe. Sake, Davenport, and some of their associates will be there.”

“Oh, no-”

“Please, Lauren.” Kieran paused. “Will you come with me?”

“And mingle with _them_ for an evening?”

“I’m flattered, officer - an evening with me doesn’t repulse you nearly as much as with some of my colleagues.”

“Keep dreaming.”

_Colleagues._ Kym racked her brain for officers in the precinct with the last name Davenport or Sake, turning up empty-handed.

_Is it possible that Kieran could have two jobs? A side-hustle, perhaps?_

“You know about Sake and me, right?”

“Scandalous, officer-”

“You know what I mean!” Lauren hissed. She lowered her voice to almost a whisper. “I got kicked off the detective unit, remember?”

“That scum-”

“It was my fault,” Lauren said. Fighting off the urge to scream the opposite, Kym crossed her arms. Will glanced over at her, but she continued to stare at the floor.

So this was _that_ Sake. What on earth was Kieran doing with such a terrible man?

Kym gulped the thought of the Phantom Scythe down her throat. Kieran may have broken Lauren’s heart, but he was in no way evil.

Furthermore, Lauren would never knowingly date a criminal.

“So, what do you say?”

“I say you go hang out around your terrible little friends on your own.”

“Shut up,” Kieran hissed.

“Let go of my hand, and I’ll consider it,” Lauren said through her teeth. A smirk crawled across Kym’s face at the thought of Kieran grabbing Lauren’s hand and pleading for her to get back with him. With it came the most difficult question of her lifetime: who would she root for? Kieran, the forward go-getter? Or Lauren, who had this catch clamoring to get her back?

“No- sorry- _be quiet_ , officer.” All four of them stood in silence, listening. “I think we’ve got company.” A wave of panic overwhelmed Kym. They were so done.

Will’s eyes, bright blue and wild with what could only be called sheer fear, cut through the darkness and met Kym’s. A light footstep crept toward the door, followed by another. Will latched his hand around Kym’s wrist, and without uttering a word, Kym knew immediately what the lieutenant was saying: they needed either a diversion or a cover.

Perhaps both wouldn’t hurt.

In one swift motion, Kym slammed her back into the wall of the closet with a devilish grin and a resounding thud. Will’s eyebrows leapt up in surprise, reaching his golden locks. “Oh, Will,” Kym breathed, just loud enough that Kieran and Lauren would hear. She shot a glance towards Will, whose jaw had dropped in horror. Of course, if she was going down, she would drag Will’s reputation down with her.

Taking her by the shoulders, he mouthed, “What are you doing?”

“Keep that up, Lieutenant,” Kym continued, giggling. “You always act so _uptight_ around the office.” Her fingertips danced across his shoulders, leading him to shudder. “If only the rest of the precinct knew what a good kisser you are.”

Will opened his mouth in protest, but Kym shot out a hand to cover it. Releasing a muffled cry, he made a vain attempt to pry her off. She followed him up with a strangely convincing impression of the sound of kissing as she sneakily loosened his tie and ruffled his hair. Pink bloomed across his cheeks as Kym proceeded with her obnoxious cover to the soundtrack of silenced footsteps outside.

Oddly silent.

Kym pulled her hand away from Will’s face, lowering her voice. “I think they might be gone. I just knew they would get embarrassed and leave!”

“Who’s embarrassing who now?” he asked, averting his eyes. He tried to shuffle away, but Kym reached out and clutched his tie before he had the chance.

“Am I making you nervous?” she asked with a loud chuckle. She continued with her obnoxious obscenities. Will looked like he wanted to die.

A sudden shuffling outside pried Kym’s attention away from him. The pair of spies turned, listening for signs of life.

“What on earth-” a low voice started. Kieran.

“Let’s continue this conversation elsewhere,” Lauren said.

“No, this should be interesting.” Kieran’s footsteps started toward the closet. Will and Kym’s eyes widened in tandem as they continued to cling to each other, unmoving.

“Don’t interrupt them.” _Thank you, Lauren. Best friend right there._

“Tell me, officer, who’s interrupting who here? I think these two knew exactly what they were doing.” Through the drywall, Kym felt the miniscule vibration of Kieran’s hand settling on the doorknob. “After all, anyone from the office can see that Hawkes and Ladell clearly despise each other-”

Will tore his eyes away from the turning doorknob, finding Kym’s eyes again. Hastily, he caught her waist in his arm and threaded his other hand through her hair. Kym could feel his heart skipping. Her lips parted. “What are you-”

His lips crashed against hers in the same second that the light from the archive room cut through the closet, leaving Kym feeling completely exposed and vulnerable-

-and oddly secure. Perhaps just in knowing their spying secret was safe - for the time being.

“Oh.” Kieran stood in the doorway, dumbfounded. Lips still locked, Kym and Will glanced innocently toward the door.

“Idiot, what-” Lauren ducked her head under Kieran’s arm, propping the door open. “Oh.” Flushing, Will pulled away from Kym and backed into the mess of coats, hands raised in the air mockingly. Kym brushed a finger over her lips with a chuckle. She didn’t think he had it in him, but apparently he did - and much more.

“You jerk!” Lauren said, smacking a docket against Kieran’s back. Hard. He practically fell through the doorway, stumbling into Kym’s old hiding place beside Will. Kym smirked.

“You lovebirds have come to join us, I see,” she said, stepping forward to place a hand on Will’s sternum in a possessive way that nearly made her sick to her stomach. She really wasn’t cut out for the whole “relationship” thing. “Unfortunately, I’m afraid this room is only big enough for two, but I suppose you could try.”

Kieran caught Lauren’s eye wistfully. “What do you say, officer?”

Growling, Lauren took Kym by the crook of her elbow, yanking her out of the closet and slamming the door. “Hey!” Will yelled.

“You left Willame in there with Kiki!” Kym said helplessly, reaching toward the doorknob. 

“He will survive,” Lauren said, pulling her away. “Hopefully.” Kym raised an eyebrow. She almost wished she could have stayed with him, even if the closet was dark and musty and cramped. Almost. “And I guess Will isn’t so _lame_ any more, is he?”

Kym gulped.

“So...you and Ladell, huh?” she could hear Kieran say. “How long have you two been at it?” 

“I am going to kill him, and I am going to relish it.” Lauren settled a hand on Kym’s shoulder, guiding her gently as she situated herself against a shelf to face her. “Now, why were you and William really here?” she asked, crossing her arms.

Kym gulped, brain turning in rapid circles trying to figure out how best to phrase her response around Lauren's lie detection. “Well, you see, I was curious about your relationship with the new archivist-” romantic or vigilante, she would never know the wiser- “and Will kindly let me indulge in some investigation with him. And, well, we got kind of carried away…” Her voice trailed off as she looked back to the closed closet door with a sheepish blush.

“I see,” Lauren said. “But what did you hear?”

“All kinds of juicy stuff,” Kym said with a grin. “How is he in bed?”

Lauren let her jaw go slack. “What? I-”

“Never mind. But choking you? That was a little odd. I mean- but if that’s what you-”

“Kym, listen-”

“The guy seems to really want you back! I can hear it in his voice, I see it in his eyes. Give him a chance. I don’t know what led you two to break up, but pretty soon he’ll have every lady in this office clamoring for him.”

Lauren nodded in silence, brow furrowed. “You- you really think so?”

“I mean, look at him Lauren, he’s really, _really_ hot, who wouldn’t-”

“No, I mean- what you said about him...wanting me back?”

“He loves you. It’s easy to see.” Kym twirled her hair around her finger. “Of course, I’m not the one with the lie detecting skills.”

Lauren tossed a wry smile her way. “Alright.”

“Alright?”

She strode across the room to unlatch the closet door knob. “Alright,” she repeated, motioning for Kieran and Will to step out of their hiding place. Kym’s face set aflame at the sight of Will, tie loose and hair disheveled. For such a short amount of warning, she realized with a small amount of pride that she had made him look pretty guilty of office canoodling. She fingered her own collar, feeling a button that had popped loose without her noticing.

“Kieran,” Lauren said, grabbing his collar. He flinched, clearly preparing for the worst. Kym shot a knowing look toward Will - what a strange relationship.

What a strange relationship indeed.

“Do you love me?” Lauren asked.

Kieran glanced around the room, tugging at his collar with a single finger. “What kind of question is that, darling?”

“Do. You. Love. Me? It’s a very simple question, really.”

Kieran’s Adam’s apple nodded before he had the chance to answer. “Yes,” he said, voice wavering slightly.

“Say it.”

“I love you.”

An unreadable expression flashed across Lauren’s face as she stood there, unresponsive. Had he lied? What would be more surprising to Lauren: him lying, or him telling the truth? “Well!” Kym said, laughing uneasily. “I happened to overhear that you two are heading to a little party at the Carnation Cafe. Mind if the two of us tag along?”

Lauren’s eyes widened. “I don’t even know if I’m going yet, but in any case, that’s a terrible idea.”

Will cleared his throat, taking Kym’s arm. “We haven’t been on a proper date yet - I think it might be a good idea to start out with a double date.” He caught Kym’s eye with a hint of a wink, and all she could do was smile and nod at him.

“I don’t think-”

“That’s a good place to start!” Kieran said. “That’s how Lauren and I met, right, darling?” Lauren coughed, looking to the side in discomfort. “8 pm sharp. We’ll meet you there.”

“What’s the dress code?” Will asked.

Kieran bit his lip. “Business casual.”

“We’ll be there.”

Suppressing an uneasy feeling in her stomach, Kym offered a smile to her best friend. Lauren stared into space, her face a pale white. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“No,” she said, smiling emptily, “but everything will be fine.”

Kym prayed she hadn’t just put her friend between a rock and a hard place. While Kieran seemed completely harmless, Lauren’s fear of him was apparent.

“I guess it’s time to go announce to the precinct that bachelor Kieran White is no longer available for the taking!” Kym said with a chuckle. Lauren didn’t react. A twinge of pain shot through her chest.

“And I suppose the same goes for my boy Will over here,” Kieran said, nudging him. Will’s cheeks flooded with color again as he nodded wordlessly.

Kym smiled at him. His gaze flitted away as quickly as it had come to rest on her. After all, what was one more lie?

As long as they stayed quiet around Lauren, everything would be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Me every time Kym says something: yeah keep telling yourself that hon
> 
> Did Kieran lie? I guess we'll find out 😳 (hint: I support the Simp Kieran Agenda-)


End file.
